Big Family Blessings vs. The Critics

NOTE:  This post may be TOO much big family reality for some people.

I get fatigued by the criticism that is often heaped on big families, especially growing families.  Many, if not most, large families are hesitant and downright afraid to announce a new addition to their family, even if the new addition is a puppy!

Critics who are often beloved, extended family will say things like,
           - "Just what you need!  What are you thinking!"
           - "How are you going to afford more!"
           - "You want this?  Don't even ask me to babysit."
                   ....and on and on.....and on.  It is so discouraging!

Equally difficult for big families is the ability to be honest about tough times, especially financial ones because someone will say,
            -"I guess you shouldn't have had so many kids"
            -"What do you expect!  You have too many kids."
            -"You haven't taken your poor kids to XYZ!"
     Insert the theme park, water park, or movie of your choice for XYZ
                                   
So as I am preparing a New Year's Eve post on the blessings of 2014, I realized that I need this post explaining a few things about the realities of big families.

1.  The decision for a family to grow is NOT about what a family can afford!  It is about what a family can sacrifice.  I frankly couldn't afford my first born.  Most people probably shouldn't afford any kids, if they really thought about all the what ifs of parenting and what could or might happen.  When a family grows, they are saying that they are willing to share and sacrifice all that they have for a new family member out of love.

The growing family is not saying that they have extra money and they want to "pay for" a new kid!  Kids are not living room furniture sets.  If people want to tell a family that they cannot afford new furniture, go ahead.  However, if they want to discourage a family from growing in selflessness, then they need to think about what values a family should teach their kids.  Family success is not about how much a family spends per child, it is about how much they sacrifice per child.  A child can be lavished in gifts, toys, clothes and entertainment and not feel like their parents love and accept them.  The value of a child starts to be established when their joining a family is announced.  People need to build up that value, not debate it.

Our family at half its current size (with Baby Nate whom we were
just hosting at the time):  With half the children, we did not have
twice the resources.  My abilities to use resources
wisely have grown with experience and God's provision
has been consistent. 

2.  Big family values may not look like small family values.  Parents of big families do not see it as a failure if their kids don't have snow boots and are using bread wrappers with rubber bands over their shoes.  Parents of big families don't view hand-me downs and thrift store clothes as second best.

Big families who cannot "do Disney", NEVER think to themselves, "If we just had fewer kids we could go". Big families instead think things like, "We ended the month with 78 cents in the bank and the dental bill paid so we win!"

It is NOT a lifestyle value system for the faint of heart.  If it sounds terrible to you, don't have a big family. However, realize that some of us LOVE all our kids and the rewards of "winning" with a bank balance that would make you shudder!

3.  Having a BIG family and a small bank account is NOT irresponsible!  It is no secret that our family is Dave Ramsey fans.  We think he offers the best financial advice out there.  The point where we differ is on the goal.  Dave suggest saving so you can give, but we feel called by God to invest in our kids.  Emergency funds are important and they will get used in a big family.  Being debt free (except the mortgage) keeps us sane.  Having a retirement savings plan means that we have a hope that we won't live with our kids. BUT we will NEVER live at the level that Dave's full plan offers because we have too many expenses...yes, kids' expenses.  Our affluence is not money.  Our affluence will be to turn out God fearing, loving and hard working adults with a desire to better the world and who are amazing parents to raise our grand kids! 

4.  Big families are NOT trying to "milk the system".  Sure there are exceptions, but almost ALL big families have two hardworking and industrious parents.  These are parents who know the enormity of what they are doing because they live it!

We have 10 kids, and to be frank, it has gotten me gallons of free milk from WIC and reduced price school lunches. That is right...the "system" gave me milk for my kids to drink and a better price on their school lunches. No food stamps.  No free phones, cars, etc.  NOT ONE!

BIG families don't get a check, just the public condemnation that comes with people thinking that the BIG family is "doing it" for the government check that doesn't exist, even if the kids are disabled!  (Pardon the "doing it" pun, I couldn't resist.)

My grocery list alone is probably more responsible for economic stimulation and development in our community than most government programs for small businesses!  The reality is that "the system" is milking big families.  Doubt that claim?  How many of your kids can you count on your taxes?  All of them, right?  I only get to claim 3 for most sections of the tax code and I have never gotten credit for more than 5 because I would need much more income to claim the deductions of kids 6-10.  The tax code is written to help families with 2-3 kids.

So please think before you offer your disapproving opinion on a big family that is growing and/or struggling.  BIG families have BIG responsibilities and they know their realities all too well.

Give Me What Is Right for Our Kids....

A BIG apology to everyone who has had to hear me rant this week on this subject.  I finally just put it all in writing to our Board of Education and emailed it. 

Neosho is an awesome school, but we need everyone's input, expertise and vote of confidence to stay awesome!  Awesome takes work and facing some often harsh self-images for the purpose of improvement. 

Please disregard any typos or grammar errors that I tend to make more freely when I feel passionately about something and I am passionate about this subject.  We have needed a new Jr. High School for over 5 years.

If you are not from Neosho, but an educator or school administrator please consider reading point #4.  It is true in most every community in our area. 

                                                                                                                                                                                Dear Neosho R-V Board Member;

I have been hoping that this letter would not need to be written.  My letter is concerning the inability to pass the increase needed for a new school.  It is typically my policy to only offer solutions, not criticisms.  However, I am finding it difficult to offer solutions without explaining what has gone wrong.  Please set aside egos and read this with an open mind.  I am hopeful that my observations may help our district get the Junior High School building that it has needed for over 5 years.

1.       Our new superintendent was not given the proper chance to build a rapport with voters before he was out “with his hand in their pocketbooks”.  Decker’s first contacts with community groups should have been to give a “state of the district” assessment.  He should have had a year to brag on what is going well and prepared people for what he saw as challenges for the district.  He needed to give people a vision to “buy into”.  Instead, Decker was introduced and then sent to tell the community how badly the school needed money.  I am sure it was done out of urgency, but it disengaged some voters from the feeling of being a part of improvements and made many informal community leaders with concerns appear as opposition in open forums.  Additionally, it is generally believed that passing tax increases is good for a superintendent’s career so without rapport, Decker’s meetings with the public seemed self-serving to some, rather than being a genuine need in our community.

                Our school needs other things too, and by mentioning the building on a list of big and   small things that are needed would give time for people to see progress and “buy in”.  Even a             SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis written by/for Decker and published in the newspaper or online would have prepared voters to be a part of change. 

                Changes to the front of the high school surprised the community.  Signs should have been up   months before construction started and a media blitz should have explained how and where the  money was coming from and why the front of the school was selected.   The way it was handled, lead many to take the attitude “See, I voted no and they found the money in their deep pockets.”

2.       A clean-up of past mistakes and misunderstandings should have occurred.  Carver was a big disappointment to many voters, especially older citizens.  As I have explained to Shawn Dilday and Tim Crawley, the day after Grandparents’ Day is not a positive time to get school reviews at the Senior Center and other meetings of grandparents.  The lack of parking at South and Carver and the excessive walking distances at Carver are viewed dimly.  Carver has never had ADA complaint parking despite complaints since the ribbon cutting event (that I could not attend because the only ramp was blocked).  A second ramp and parking in the back lot was added, but the door was kept locked for 6 years.  Crawley says a buzzer was added over the Summer and I look forward to using it.  However, unless a note is added to the information sent home concerning Grandparents’ Day, most people won’t know that the back lot is now an option.  Crawley explains that he is new and did not know of these problems, but our new leaders must fully understand our past mistakes and challenges!   I was furious when I saw the artist’s depiction of the new Junior High with the disabled parking as far from the main door as possible!  It told me that the district is not learning from its mistakes and it is not interested in “my” issues, which should be “our” issues.  If Crawley had known that the parking at Carver is viewed negatively, he could have asked the artist to correct the drawings before they offended people.

Questions and concerns about past problems, donated land, location, and clumping so many schools close together by a bus barn needed lots of public forum exposure at community meetings, on the web, on the radio and in the newspaper before asking for money.  I have heard so many people say, “the bus barn, Carver, Middle School and a Junior High that close together?  What if there is a tornado?  Our community will have too many assets in one place.”  Plus there are concerns about traffic.  Some people already feel that pickup and pulling onto Norway is too congested.  If intersection improvements are planned, then this should be public knowledge.

3.       The Devil is in the details…asking for millions of dollars before releasing a floor plan sketch that demonstrates good stewardship of the money is only inviting critics and “no” votes.  Of course construction costs can be estimated by square footage, but voters want to know what is in that square footage.  I toured the high school on a day that the air conditioning was running and the fire place was burning in the library.  The nice amenity of a relaxing fireplace was instantly rebranded as “showing off” and wasting resources. 

Current estimates say that 30% of our population is in arrears on one or more major loans.  When people must keep their thermostat in the 60’s in the winter and people are forgoing air conditioning, neighbors have a hard time voting for an increase that will place further hardship on their friends and loved ones, especially if they are thinking that the new building could be built for less. 

4.       Neosho is a town of hardworking and thrifty people.  It is not a town of cheap people.  It is a town of people who know the value and power of a dollar.  The school has presented itself at “odds” with the basic community values of stewardship and fiscal responsibility numerous times without realizing it.  One example is the school supply lists.  Those lists have more name brands than they should, and the name brands are even bolded.  (Elmer’s ® purple glue, what is wrong with Scholastic® purple glue at ¼ of the price!  Metal blade Office Depot ® scissors are identical to Fiskar’s ®at 1/3 of the price!)  Post-its, Crayola, Play-doh, Eagle, Avery binders, Clorox wipes, Papermate  and Ticonderoga pencils,  Expo markers, and Germ-X just make me want to scream, “Who do you think we are!” (BTW- Kudos to Dr. Fox’s building which did not include a single brand name on any list!  It is much appreciated.)  Does the BOE realize who buys 60% of our kids’ school supplies?  Let me tell you, it is grandparents.   You just asked limited income patrons for more at the ballot box right after they just bought “you” brands that they don’t have in their own homes.  Yes, I said “you” and not “their kids” because when the school asks for brand names it becomes about the school’s needs and not the kids’ needs.  Name brands need to go! 

5.       Shorter Fridays cost people money.  When the school day was shortened many folks found themselves searching for affordable after school care.  People have turned to grandparents and the goodwill of neighbors who are now providing funds for snacks and recreation for little ones and big ones every week.  Our family is adding extra hours for a nurse’s aide because my children’s medical needs cannot be met through a program like the YMCA.  We are not alone because other special needs families have called me looking for affordable ideas.    Our nurse’s aide costs $12.38 an hour.  That may seem small, but it will equal $1,188.48 or more in new expense for our family by May 2015.  Was this even considered when the BOE voted to shorten Fridays?   This Friday schedule change has hit a lot of people in an already empty wallet.

6.       The problems need clear explanations.  Never did I hear the public being informed that the 8^th-12^th graders are dismissed a minute early to get to/from the trailers.  If that 1 minute happened just once a day, that is almost 3 hours of lost instructional time per year.  No one explained that instructional time is also lost during tornado watches/warnings.  No one took a picture of a crowded hallway at the high school.  No one showed the class meeting in the atrium.  There was no list of classes/opportunities that cannot be offered at the high school because we are out of room.  Neosho is a VERY giving and generous community, but in order for generous people to help, they must see the needs.

7.       Do you fully understand how much money the school asks our community for already? 

ü  Field trip money (lots of field trip money),

                  ü  money for required school planners,
                  ü   school picture money two times a year (and you just try to tell your little one that you aren’t buying their cute picture!),
                  ü  3+ fundraisers a year plus a PTO Carnival with baskets to donate to and raffle tickets to buy/sell,
                   ü  book fairs,
                   ü  school dances/fun nights with concessions,
                   ü  book orders,
                  ü  Spirit Day tattoos/face painting,
                  ü  sports fees,
                  ü  Stuff the Bus donations,
                  ü  school T-shirt money,
                  ü  gifts for teachers,
                  ü  classroom snacks (about 9 times per year per child..store bought and individually wrapped) plus store bought birthday cupcakes,
    ü  teacher appreciation carry-in meals, and  
                  ü  donations for Trike A Thons and Pennies for Patients and on and on….

 It is no wonder voters may be experiencing “compassion fatigue”.  It is time to say “Thank you” and limit the requests.  One school picture is enough.   One fundraiser is enough (and fundraiser assemblies are a BIG waste instructional time).  I personally would pay money to not have my kids involved in fundraising!  Ten dollars a year for field trips (including Summer school) is enough.  Book orders and book fairs are  often a financial burden, and the carnival trinkets are a choke hazard and in the trash in a week.   My kids have seen more movies in theaters with the school than with our family.  Who spends cash this way?  In today’s economy, less is more.    

Steps in the right direction include the following:

Ø  Align the schools needs with the community’s values. 

Ø  Work on engaging in a rapport and cooperation with all citizens by providing multiple opportunities to ask questions of the public and to share concerns with the public in a variety of settings. 

Ø  Create a system for “knowledge management” in which mistakes and misunderstandings of the past are imparted to new staff so consistent answers can be given as these issues are revisited.

Ø  Take the narrow focus off the building/overcrowding temporarily.  Broaden the lens and show people the other challenges.  I, for one, am alarmed at the small percentage of students taking advanced and honors’ classes and the stagnant average of our ACT scores.  If the district can show the public their problems, the creative solutions, and the opportunities to help be a part of the solutions, especially in non-monetary ways, then people will feel more a part of the school.  This will show the voters that money is not the only solution that the R-V uses to solve our community’s challenges.

Ø  Don’t put this back on the ballot for at least a year and consider an April 2016 election.  (April is a great time for people to give money at the ballot box as some have just gotten a tax return.  In fact even fixed income families often get the Property Tax/Circuit Breakers credit return right before the April election so they will have just had a reminder that the increase will likely not affect their overall budget.) 

Ø  Get a focus group of about 18-20 people and look hard for folks who openly say that they voted no to serve on the committee.   During the wait time for it to be on the ballot again, get a specific plan and get feedback from the focus group before releasing it to the public.  Adjust the plan accordingly and then “wow” people with the value of their dollar.  Tell them exactly what they are getting and show them that it is the right building in the right place, with the right features and at the right price.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or need any clarifications.  I apologize for the length of the letter, but I should have drafted it sooner...five years sooner.

Sincerely,

Leatta Workman

The Best Reasons to Choose Public School

In fairness to public education, it does have its own unique advantages and benefits like home schooling.  Like yesterday's post on home schooling benefits, I'm going to list the benefits that have impressed me the most.

For some kids, school is the most
exciting place to learn.

• Highly experienced staff is a huge benefit to children, especially to those who are struggling.  For example, a teacher may know several ways to teach a certain skill or they may be able to easily spot missing skills before these cause a child to fall behind.

• Highly qualified teachers and other professionals are available as a resource for the children and their families.  Most teachers now have or are getting their Master's degrees and they are deeply committed to knowing their subject matter.  These individuals have invested their nights, weekends and Summers to be fully prepared for the needs of all children.

• The diversity of peers in the school setting helps children learn to interact and work with a wide variety of personalities.  Children learn that not every child has a home like their own and they can see why some kids need extra adults besides parents to keep them safe.  I remember my daughter Grace's surprise that not every child had enough food at home.  It was a sad lesson, but she learned a lot about helping others and using adults to get help that year.  She used her money to buy her classmate's school supplies and she went and talked to the school counselor about her friend needing food, which resulted in help for her friend.

• Children who need specialized help such as Braille instruction, diaper changes, tube feedings, equipment like standers and things like hearing aid checks get theses and more as part of their daily routine.  Children who cannot work independently while a parent is instructing a sibling are kept active with a full routine during their school day.

• Children who are motivated by peers to work hard benefit from group projects and even recess.  Older kids are encouraged by peers' experiences to try new things like theatre, sports, debate, band, and so much more.

• In the world of internet and email, teachers are easier than ever to reach with concerns and questions.  This accessibly means that teachers and parents can work as a team on behaviors, academics, etc.  The days for teacher conferences are over (in my opinion) because I know how my child is doing well before the twice a year conference.   

To me the most important reason to chose to public school is because God has shown me that some of my kids have a need that public school can best meet with its unique benefits. Therefore, after prayerful consideration, He has directed me to use the public school system and I am obedient to His direction.

Study to shew thyself approved unto God,

a workman that needeth not to be ashamed,

rightly dividing the word of truth. ~~II Timothy 2:15 KJV

The Best Reasons to Home School

There are thousands of great reasons to home school so I doubt that I can list them all in one blog entry so I'm going to list the benefits that have impressed me the most as a home school mom.


Aviation is not a typical elective in
public school, but it can be
for home schoolers.

• The opportunity to independently study any topic with primary source materials.  No one is limited by the textbooks' information.  Books, documentaries, news articles, letters and even in-person/email/ Skype interviews can be easily added to the learning experience.  I love asking my kids how they know something and the answer is not just "that is what my book (or teacher) said". (Nor is it, "that is what google said.") 

• Explore interest such as learning to play an instrument, voice lessons, scuba diving, flying a plane, horticulture, animal care, sewing, cooking...there are no limits. 

• Explore how our community works and meet the people who are resources in our community.  Home school kids learn through volunteerism, observation and questions as they interact as part of the community instead of just studying about the community.  This is  especially true at election time!  My kids knew more about the library bond issue than I did and could discuss its merits and drawbacks with any one in town.

• The kids learn how to learn without constant supervision.  Home schooling usually requires kids to learn how to find information themselves because no one is hand feeding it to them.  Most of the time, the kids work on their own on projects and assignments without help.  When the kids need help, my first question is usually, "What have you tried?" followed by, "What else can you do to try to solve this problem?" 

• Not limited by labels like "gifted" or "special" or the million other categories that kids can get put into in a school setting.  I'm amazed by how many home school kids who would probably qualify to be labeled as "learning disabled" go to college.

• No distractions by immature social behaviors like malicious gossip or teasing, and the kids learn to ignore and not participate in these behaviors when they see them in peers.

• I learn more as they learn. (Okay, truthfully...sometimes I remember what I learned as they learned...but I hate to admit what I've forgotten.) Plus tutors assure that kids are not limited by my knowledge, interests or skills.

• A few last benefits....awesome field trips, other amazing home school families to give you support and getting to be amazed by my kids' creativity and hard work because I see their skills develop first hand.

To me the most important reason to chose to home school is because God has shown me that some of my kids have a need that home schooling can best meet with its unique benefits.  Therefore, after prayerful consideration, He has directed me to home educated and I am obedient to His direction.

 

Study to shew thyself approved unto God,

 a workman that needeth not to be ashamed,

rightly dividing the word of truth. ~~II Timothy 2:15 KJV

Schools Need to be Good Stewards of Parent's $

To send a child to school without the requested supplies stigmatizes the child with peers and sends a message to the teachers that school is not a priority for a family.  Yet each year the school list seems to get longer, more brand-specific, and more of a test of our family budget.  For example, this year our district has added ear buds to the list of needed supplies and kindergarten needs, not just glue sticks and scissors, BUT 12 sticks of Elmer's purple glue and Fiskar scissors.  When I mentioned this concerning trend to our superintendent a couple years ago, it was suggested that I should talk to the teachers about what I "can" supply.  A friend suggested I go get help from a church that was having a back to school giveaway.  However, what the superintendent and the friend failed to consider is the message that these actions send to my kids.  First it suggests that supporting their schooling is not a top financial responsibility in our family.  Second it teaches my children entitlement and that others should sacrifice and be responsible to meet their need for supplies. 

The superintendent and my friend failed to get the point of my observation.  When I send 7 children back to school this August, some of what they will be taking includes 11 boxes of crayons, 55 glue sticks, 11 boxes of wipes, 16 dry erase markers, 15 boxes of tissue, and 192 sharpened #2 pencils.  Yet I am sure that my cildren will not need or use each of these items during the first week like they might the 23 folders.

Teachers need to consider the following when creating classroom supply lists:
1.  Trust the family to buy good quality items.  There are good scissors, glue, pencils, etc that are not Fiskar, Elmers, Ticonderoga or Crayola. 
2.  Set a year long schedule of when you need which supplies so families don't have to buy a year's worth of supplies at one time.  Plus it will reduce what you have to store in the classroom.
3.  When something new is added to the list, please consider what can be removed.
4.  Please return our child's non-consumable supplies at the end of the year.  Scissors, rulers, and pencil pouches are all easy to clean up and re-use.
5.  Do the math and see how much the supplies on your list costs realistically.  Don't use the 10 cent sale prices that were the week before our family got paid.  Use real prices and if the list costs more than $15 (which is more than 5% of a minimum wage earners weekly pay), then please revisit the list. 
6.  Remember, many of us are needing to use these lowest sale prices to buy our kids much needed backpacks, underwear, shoes, and a few new and/or new-to-us thrift clothing items to make our kids feel personally prepared for a fresh start too.  We also have band rental fees, lunch/snack money, elective course supply fees, and soon school pictures and the first school fundraiser of the year.   The classroom supply list is just the tip of the iceberg of expenses.
7.  Don't forget that our child getting ready for your class, may not be our only child.

Oh, and my husband is a teacher so I know about the out of pocket that teachers pay to get supplies that they need.  However, I STILL believe that more families would provide the requested supplies, if the total costs of the list was within their grasp and aligned with the purchasing values of their family.  Currently, I feel bullied by a list that is out of control and out of touch with what my kids really needs to start the year.  Yet like last year, I feel I must pass this first "test" by my kids' teachers and spend the money to get my first mommy "A" with Avery binders and Expo dry erase markers.