Turning 40 with me....Sadly

The 40th Anniversary of Roe V Wade.  Is anyone as shocked as I am that abortion is still a popular "option" FORTY YEARS later?  During my lifetime there have been many advancements in reproductive health, but yet abortion continues.  Currently 137 abortions per hour in the US...24 hours a day...7 days a week...365 days a year. 

Those who are regular readers of my blog, know that each year I write a special blog for Roe V Wade's Anniversary.  Previous blogs are The Perfect Boy and 52 Million Kids Who Can't Change the World.  This year I've decided to write from my own personal experiences and hurts from 17 years ago when I was pregnant with Grace.  I want to give advice on how to care for a friend facing an unplanned pregnancy and what not to do.  So here is my advice....

HOW TO CARE FOR A FRIEND FACING AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

Its been 17 years, but I can still be brought to tears by the good and bad memories of how friends and family cared for me during my unplanned pregnancy with my oldest daughter Grace.  I have always been a strong, independent person, but facing a pregnancy as a single person brought out crippling fears and irrational concerns.  To realize that I was about to be ultimately responsible for feeding, nurturing, supervising, financial supporting another person was overwhelming.  To realize that person would depend on me for their every need 24 hours a day/7days a week for several years was exhausting. To know that I would mold this person's self-esteem, character and world views was humbling.  After all what made me qualified, and knowing that I could harm this child if I wasn't perfect...and who can be...was frightening.  Plus the stresses that I was adding on myself by feeling that I had already messed up...the timing wasn't right, the relationship wasn't right....I had barely started the parenting journey and I couldn't help but feel that I had already failed in several areas.  Yet I hid these feeling and fears.  My emotions were a field of landmines and few people knew.

Here are a few suggestions for how to help a friend in a situation like I faced and for how not to help.


One of my favorite memories, being invited
out to the theatre at 7 months pregnant.

A few DO NOT's:

Don't make jokes about my past failures.  My least favorite, "You can't even keep the plant in your office alive."  

Don't comment or ask me about the birth father or our relationship.  If the mother wants you to know, she'll tell you and some days she may not even know where that relationship is or isn't going.  My least favorite, "I thought he really loved you.  Where is he now?"  I felt like I had been kicked in the chest twice; once by the birth father and now by this friend.

Don't ask me how I'm going to do "it".  My list of "it" is longer than yours.  You may be thinking of affording child care.  I may be thinking of affording to finish school, the cost of diapers, the lack of sleep and the child care!  If you know of resources that might lighten the load I'm carrying, don't tell me about it over dinner where the reminder of stress can ruin the enjoyment of eating out with a friend.  Please get me a brochure or send me a web site link, but let me digest the options in my own time, privately.

Some please DO's:

Tell me I'm going to be a great mom and why.  Be genuine.  I'm your friend and surely I have one redeeming quality that you would want in a parent.  Let me know that my new small family will be awesome because I am awesome.

Remind me that I make good choices.  Remind me that pregnancy can be unplanned and a surprise, but a baby is never a mistake.

Call me, email me, write me and remind me frequently that you care about me and want me to take the best care of me and my baby.  If you are the type that likes such things, offer to attend those awkward prenatal classes and mom-to-be fairs with me.  If those aren't your cup of tea, invite me on a walk or a picnic, or bring me a healthy snack basket with yogurt and fresh fruits.

Ask me about when my next doctor visit is and check on me after that appointment.  Let me know that you're thinking and/or praying for me.

Send a practical gift after the baby is here.  Moms (and dads, if they are involved) facing unplanned pregnancies are usually tight on funds.  Gift cards, diapers, and cash are all very usable.  An infant can live a good life with a few outfits, but life without diapers, laundry soap, and quarters for the laundromat can quickly become overwhelming.

The best gift may be your time.  Offer to help write thank you notes, pickup/wash laundry, make dinner, drop by a frozen meal, clean house or babysit.  Please don't just do this once after the baby is born.  Remember, as a single mom, I just started a long marathon and I'll appreciate your help as much or more when my infant becomes a toddler. 

If my child is being adopted, then help me fill my days in the months after the adoption.  Remember me with a note or small gift in my child's honor on their birthday and a quick note of support on Mother's Day will mean so much.  You won't be reminding me because I'll always remember, but I will feel loved because you remember too.

The Perfect Boy

Every year I try to write something thought provoking in memory of the tremendous losses that our country has had since the Roe V Wade decision.  Typically the loss of inventors, scientists, artists, doctors, and other highly intelligent, highly creative and highly motivated are the focus of  the Roe V. Wade pro-life literature.  There is the whole undertone of "what if our society killed the next Edison, Bell, or Gates", but like I wrote last year in "52 Million Kids that Can't Change the World" every child has potential and deserves to be born, to have an impact on society and to be impacted by society.  Rarely are the fetuses with disabilities such as Downs Syndrome, Spina Bifida, Hydrocephaly, and physical deformities considered for the loss to society and their abilities to inspire, encourage, and develop our capacity for love and compassion.
 

Tommy "Superman" & his mom Kim



So this year, I want to introduce you to a remarkable young man who helped develop an equally remarkable mother and remarkable family and a remarkable church.  A young man so remarkable and so perfect that the family's priest draws beautiful images of parallels between the relationship of Christ and his mother.  I believe strongly that every voting American needs to meet Thomas "Tommy" Supernault and his mother.  Unfortunately, Tommy passed away suddenly at the end of November of 2011.  I really wish that I had introduced you to him sooner, but like his mom, I thought Tommy would be with us for longer.  I am sure my introduction would have not done his life justice.  Below is the tribute that his mother delivered at his funeral.  It does his life justice.  It explains why we must protect fetuses that could become Tommy Supernaults, just as vigorously as we work to protect potential future leaders, researchers and innovators.   

By: Kim Saumier
This world, my home, my heart...will never be as it was before.

My Thomas was a good boy, perfect in every way. He didn't know hatred or jealousy. Most people would say that he didn't "know" if he was being made fun of or stared at but I say he didn't care. He loved and accepted everyone with his whole heart. Can you just imagine for one second what a gift that is? I think that most of you would know Thomas for his smile and if you were lucky enough, paid close enough attention you could see that sparkle in his eyes because it was always there. And then for his laugh and giggles, he sounded like that boy from A Christmas Story, only 1,000 better-it was beautiful.

He is beautiful. He turned the hardest of men into mush, his grandfather's, my dad and Doug(his other grandfather) loved my baby so much and Thomas loved them back even more. It was amazing to see. Thomas went through so much from the time he was born, surgery after surgery, piles of medications, feeding tubes, machines, equipment and enough supplies to fill 3 houses, just ask my husband. This journey hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worth every ounce of everything we've ever gone through. Being a parent of a special needs baby, there are things that we have to go through that most parents will just never understand. I had Thomas when I was young he was a preemie 3lbs. 11oz. They found Hydrocephalus at his 2 month check up and Schizencephaly that same day. I can remember saying out loud for the first time to one of Tommy's therapists "...because he's not going to ever walk..." We were in mid conversation, I realized what had just come out of my mouth and just broke down. I think I cried for a week straight. I had the thought in my head but had never actually said the words. He started having seizures at 4 months old, he lost his ability to suck. Started PT at 5 months-we worked on sitting up-didn't happen-heartbreak. Crawling-just not there. We worked on standing-more heartbreak. We used a walker thinking he needed to be moving to find his balance-nope. We worked on keeping him stretched and range of motion-SDR then Tendon releases-more heartbreak. We worked on feeding, we surely weren't losing this too-gtube, nissen, pyloralplasty-devastation and despair....Through all of this there are also the lingering feelings of "he is never going to have a family, no mother-son dance, no babies for him, and for me. How will I do things, afford anything, get from here to there?

This is a long hard road but the rewards, the blessings, Thomas has given me are everlasting. What I have learned from my baby far outweigh all of that. I may not have seen it all of the time along the way and still get lost sometimes. He taught me that acceptance and giving up are worlds apart-this was the hardest to believe-but Thomas didn't give up on me because he is a fighter. He is perfect and pure and he healed my heart every time it broke. He made me strong, shows me true love, taught me patience...he makes me good and grateful and brave...Thomas was all of these things from the second he was born...He is my superman...

(To Tommy)
You've made my will strong

Taught me right from wrong

You've made my eyes open wide
An angel forever at my side

You've made my words kind
A love few will ever find

You've made my heart melt
A truer feeling never felt

You've made butterflies come and go
ALWAYS brave without the show


You've been everything to me
...and I want the world to see

The precious gifts you give
FOREVER in my heart shall live...
 
Tommy's condition is now frequently detected by ultrasound.  Kim works with moms and dads through facebook, email and yahoo groups to encourage them to choose life for their unborn child diagnosed with schizencephaly.  Then she provides support and encouragement to the families who do choose life.  She is a wealth of medical, financial, emotional and parental knowledge and experience.  I am honored to know Kim due to our daughter Vanessa who also has schizencephaly.  Through Vanessa's diagnosis, I have discovered a group of moms with amazing strength, amazing character and amazing love....mom's like Patty, Laura,  Shelley, Jessica, Joni, Sarah, Jena, Amanda, Loren, Misty, Shanon and 120ish more...all of us developing in ways we never expected and all of us at different places in the journey and encouraging one another.  While we share frustrations, sorrows and grief, I have NEVER heard anyone in our group REGRET that they chose life for their child.  Unfortunately, there are no pamphlets at the doctors' offices telling moms-to-be who just had an abnormal ultrasound...."No regrets."

52 Million Kids Who Can't Change the World

Of course, I don't remember the night that I was born, but many of my family remember it well.  Overall, they seem to mostly remember the crying, praying and worrying. In fact my own grandma was so worried that she couldn't remember my name, only part of the list of physical problems, and only after a couple days, would she realize that I was named after her.  The shock of having a child for whom the doctor could not say, "She has all her fingers and toes.  She is perfect." was felt not only by my parents, but by my grandparents and aunts and uncles.  By the time I have memories, I had already shown my family that I was an active and happy child. The family had decided to let me do whatever my non-disabled cousins did and just let me show them what I could and couldn't do for myself. The grieving was over and my parents had located specialists, met other parents with children with more severe challenges and we knew that the road ahead was do-able.



Me at 11 months



Exactly two weeks after I was born in 1973, the Supreme Court handed down rulings on Rowe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton on January 22nd.  Since that time, few children have been born with my disabilities which had been occurring every 3 to 5 years.  Among those who have been born is the cutest little boy named Landon who lives in Louisiana and a 10 year old girl born in Korean.  I have always felt a burden for the unborn children and the families making decisions of life and death while grieving and usually without accurate knowledge of the potential of their child.  My burden was only intensified when I realized that the news of the unborn child's disability is often paired with the assumption by medical professionals that an abortion will be scheduled.  This crisis point seems like a poor time to be making life and death decisions especially since trusted medical professionals frequently try to steer this decision towards abortion.

I have often been confused by how a medical school can turn out 2 highly skilled class mates, one a high risk OB physician and one a pediatric cardiac surgeon, YET the high risk OB is more likely to send an expectant mom to an abortion provider than to their cardiac colleague.  Reproductive medicine seems to now view its rolls as prevention of unplanned pregnancy, infertility treatments and gatekeeper to make sure all babies born meet society's stringent standard of perfection.

When I found out I was pregnant with Grace, I was 23 years old and was in the ER with the worst flu of my life.  I had a better job than most 23 year olds and I was buying my home.  However, I was also single and my pregnancy was unplanned.  The ER nurse gave me a list of abortion providers as the doctor gave me the news.  The next day I called my ob/gyn, who let me know that due to my disability, I would need a high risk doctor.  I already knew the risks of my hip not being able to hold together, but was surprised to learn that the referral was out of fear that my child would be disabled, not due to my hip problems.  (My disability has no known risk of being inherited.)  I then went to an amazing high risk doctor named Dr. Dix.  Later she would find out that I had a dermoid cyst growing and would soon be competing for space with my baby.  Dr. Dix was the doctor whom I needed.  She inspired confidence and built a vision of a successful pregnancy.  Unfortunately, her partner doctor at the time was just the opposite.  During visits with him, he would advise dangerous extensive testing, exaggerate the risks of my health situation, advocate abortion with handfuls of pamphlets and he would tell me that I had been brain washed by people into believing that disabled people had a quality of life like mine.  He assure me that I was a rarity.  However, due to many lengthy stays in a children's hospital and though working for a disability rights organization, I knew that I had more knowledge about the "quality of life" of disabled people than this dangerously misinformed doctor.

Needless to say, I couldn't help wondering about others in the waiting room on days that this doctor was seeing patients.  Most were young and had limited education and limited life experiences.  All of us were trusting our doctor to know what was best for our babies, but at least one doctor in that office seemed to have his own agenda, which he obviously thought guaranteed "perfect" babies.  Dr. Dix removed my cyst at 24 weeks.  It was a surgery that had some difficulties, but it was successful.  Unfortunately, her partnering doctor delivered Grace while Dr. Dix was out of town.  I was in labor for 46 hours, which I believe could have been shortened, but I think the doctor was seeing this as a way for me to pay the price of not following his advice.  He had warned me that Grace would probably be small and have a host of problems so after she arrived weighing in at 9lbs 4oz and 21 inches long, the doctor never really said anything else to me.

I was offered abortion resources at every turn and occasionally someone would suggest adoption.  However, rarely was I just simply congratulated that I was about to be a mom.  When I think of 38 years of legal abortions in the United States, I am overwhelmed by the over 52 million moms-to-be who didn't feel congratulated, who were not celebrated and who didn't feel that their kid could change the world.   As a Christian, I do not believe that sex makes a baby, but God allows babies to be made through sex at just the perfect time and in just the perfect way for each one to complete His will.  Each child has potential beyond the conditions of their birth because God has a plan for each mom and each child. 

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:

marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. --Psalms 139:14

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD:

the fruit of the womb is his reward. --Psalms 127:3

BTW-If you are a mom or a mom-to-be reading this, "Mega Congratulations!"