Big Family Blessings vs. The Critics

NOTE:  This post may be TOO much big family reality for some people.

I get fatigued by the criticism that is often heaped on big families, especially growing families.  Many, if not most, large families are hesitant and downright afraid to announce a new addition to their family, even if the new addition is a puppy!

Critics who are often beloved, extended family will say things like,
           - "Just what you need!  What are you thinking!"
           - "How are you going to afford more!"
           - "You want this?  Don't even ask me to babysit."
                   ....and on and on.....and on.  It is so discouraging!

Equally difficult for big families is the ability to be honest about tough times, especially financial ones because someone will say,
            -"I guess you shouldn't have had so many kids"
            -"What do you expect!  You have too many kids."
            -"You haven't taken your poor kids to XYZ!"
     Insert the theme park, water park, or movie of your choice for XYZ
                                   
So as I am preparing a New Year's Eve post on the blessings of 2014, I realized that I need this post explaining a few things about the realities of big families.

1.  The decision for a family to grow is NOT about what a family can afford!  It is about what a family can sacrifice.  I frankly couldn't afford my first born.  Most people probably shouldn't afford any kids, if they really thought about all the what ifs of parenting and what could or might happen.  When a family grows, they are saying that they are willing to share and sacrifice all that they have for a new family member out of love.

The growing family is not saying that they have extra money and they want to "pay for" a new kid!  Kids are not living room furniture sets.  If people want to tell a family that they cannot afford new furniture, go ahead.  However, if they want to discourage a family from growing in selflessness, then they need to think about what values a family should teach their kids.  Family success is not about how much a family spends per child, it is about how much they sacrifice per child.  A child can be lavished in gifts, toys, clothes and entertainment and not feel like their parents love and accept them.  The value of a child starts to be established when their joining a family is announced.  People need to build up that value, not debate it.

Our family at half its current size (with Baby Nate whom we were
just hosting at the time):  With half the children, we did not have
twice the resources.  My abilities to use resources
wisely have grown with experience and God's provision
has been consistent. 

2.  Big family values may not look like small family values.  Parents of big families do not see it as a failure if their kids don't have snow boots and are using bread wrappers with rubber bands over their shoes.  Parents of big families don't view hand-me downs and thrift store clothes as second best.

Big families who cannot "do Disney", NEVER think to themselves, "If we just had fewer kids we could go". Big families instead think things like, "We ended the month with 78 cents in the bank and the dental bill paid so we win!"

It is NOT a lifestyle value system for the faint of heart.  If it sounds terrible to you, don't have a big family. However, realize that some of us LOVE all our kids and the rewards of "winning" with a bank balance that would make you shudder!

3.  Having a BIG family and a small bank account is NOT irresponsible!  It is no secret that our family is Dave Ramsey fans.  We think he offers the best financial advice out there.  The point where we differ is on the goal.  Dave suggest saving so you can give, but we feel called by God to invest in our kids.  Emergency funds are important and they will get used in a big family.  Being debt free (except the mortgage) keeps us sane.  Having a retirement savings plan means that we have a hope that we won't live with our kids. BUT we will NEVER live at the level that Dave's full plan offers because we have too many expenses...yes, kids' expenses.  Our affluence is not money.  Our affluence will be to turn out God fearing, loving and hard working adults with a desire to better the world and who are amazing parents to raise our grand kids! 

4.  Big families are NOT trying to "milk the system".  Sure there are exceptions, but almost ALL big families have two hardworking and industrious parents.  These are parents who know the enormity of what they are doing because they live it!

We have 10 kids, and to be frank, it has gotten me gallons of free milk from WIC and reduced price school lunches. That is right...the "system" gave me milk for my kids to drink and a better price on their school lunches. No food stamps.  No free phones, cars, etc.  NOT ONE!

BIG families don't get a check, just the public condemnation that comes with people thinking that the BIG family is "doing it" for the government check that doesn't exist, even if the kids are disabled!  (Pardon the "doing it" pun, I couldn't resist.)

My grocery list alone is probably more responsible for economic stimulation and development in our community than most government programs for small businesses!  The reality is that "the system" is milking big families.  Doubt that claim?  How many of your kids can you count on your taxes?  All of them, right?  I only get to claim 3 for most sections of the tax code and I have never gotten credit for more than 5 because I would need much more income to claim the deductions of kids 6-10.  The tax code is written to help families with 2-3 kids.

So please think before you offer your disapproving opinion on a big family that is growing and/or struggling.  BIG families have BIG responsibilities and they know their realities all too well.

First Day of School Worries (Revisited)

On this First-Day-of-School Eve, my three kindergartners to-be have been very excited.  At dinner we asked them to tell us why they are excited.  Both Mark and Luke explained because they will get money.  After a few moments of confusion, we realized what they were saying.  Both of them thought that they would get money for perfect attendance like during Summer school!  Needless to say, we had to burst that bubble as we couldn't let them think the school would pay them on Friday!  After the bad news, the boys are still excited for the bus ride in the morning, but they are much less excited about actually going to school.

As I was sitting at my desk tonight and thinking of all my worries for my kindergartners, I could not help but remember when Vanessa and David started kindergarten.  I had so many worries.  However, on that day, a misunderstanding lessened my worries.  I found this story that I had written about their first day.  I thought that you might enjoy reading it too.

In May of 2009, I was dreading what was ahead for David and Vanessa.  I knew my own early experiences in school and I was worried.

For the past year, I had stayed at home with the kids after their adoptions. We had worked on pre-school skills, life skills and English skills to get them ready for kindergarten.  However, that year flew by quickly and it was soon going to be time to go to traditional school in August.  I was very reluctant, but I knew this was a step that they needed to take. 

Kindergarten would be a big step with all new adventures, new skills, new friends and new discoveries.  However, it was the new discoveries that worried me and to be honest, even scared me.  I can remember my first year of school, and while it was not a bad year, I learned some tough lessons that year.   Lessons that I still sometimes wish were not true.  I cringed at the thought of David and Vanessa learning similar truths about their world.

In the 1970’s, I lived an ideal life with my parents on a small farm.  My grandparents lived beside us and our community and church were small.  Due to my being born with a disability, I had been to see the “Big City” many times and frequently spent weeks at the Children’s Hospital with kids from all over the world.  School would prove to be an intrusion into my ideal life.  From my very first day at school, I started to learn tough lessons.  No one looked like me.   No one was taught like me, and ultimately I learned that not everyone wanted me in their school.  Unlike the hospital, with kids with all types of disabilities and unlike my home, with my father who was a disabled veteran and our neighbor with a wooden leg, at school I was the only one with an obvious disability and at first I was a curiosity.  Eventually, my classmates became bored with being entertained by my every move and they mostly accepted me as a playmate.  Recess became the best part of my day because I mixed freely with my new friends.  In the classroom, I sat in the back at a table and colored.  I could catch bits and pieces of what the others were learning and I was occasionally given a book like theirs to look at while they did their lesson. I learned the words for kids like me.  I disliked the word “retard” the most.  Some teachers didn’t think I could be taught and I learned that some did not want to waste time with me.  Even the principal doubted aloud in my presence if I belonged in their school.

My early experiences were the solid foundation of my fears for David and Vanessa.  Haitian by birth and now living in rural America, they enjoyed a small community of family and friends.  They had already made many discoveries, just coming to join our family.  Starting in the airport and continuing at church, they found out that few black people spoke Creole, even the darkest skinned people spoke English.  To add confusion, a white woman with light hair spoke Creole to them because she had lived in Haiti.  David knew that he looked different than me.  As he colored pictures of moms and kids, moms were orange and kids were brown.  However, what concerned me the most is that like me, neither David nor Vanessa knew that their community was not like their home and church. 

To try to ease the transition to go school, I made arrangements for David and Vanessa to go to pre-kindergarten, two Vacation Bible Schools and a day camp.  When the first day of Summer school arrived, David and Vanessa were so excited to get to go play with lots of kids.  I drove the kids to school that morning, and I got Vanessa to her class first.  Due to her disabilities, she had already met her teacher and toured as part of the process of getting the school ready for her so she separated from me quickly and was ready to start her day with the help of a classroom aid.  David and I went more slowly to his classroom, pointing out where the cafeteria and restrooms were located and finally stopping to take a picture of him outside the classroom. 

We entered the room and we were greeted by an experienced and prepared teacher who had activities already going at the tables.  I took David to the seat for him, and he immediately dove into playing with the building blocks at his table.  I lingered and took a couple more pictures as he started to talk to the boy next to him.  I was pleased to see that the boy was a minority, and based on a brief exchange with his mom as she left, I knew they were from Guatemala.  I was pleased that David would not be the only minority student!  David had told me bye, and I was across the room when I heard the little boy ask in a suspicious tone, “Who was that?”  I stepped behind a cabinet out of view. David said, “My mom.”  The boy said, “That’s not your mom.  She’s white.”  I sucked in my breath and waited to hear David’s response.  David said insistently, ”She is my mom.”  The boy said, “Not your real mom.”  I was about to step back around the cabinet, when the teacher interrupted the boys with a new activity.

That afternoon I went to get David from school.  The little boy and David saw me waiting in the hall.  I could hear enough to know that they had resumed their previous conversation.  I stepped closer to the door as the boy was asking David questions again.  David replied, “There are white moms too”.   Then the little boy asked, “How do you get to school?”  David seemed annoyed as he answered, “I told you; in a car.”  The boy inquired, “But who drove the car?” David seeming more annoyed, ”My mom!” The boy confused, “Your real mom?” David pointing to me in the hall, “Yes.”  The boy then said, “She can't drive.”  David who was looking completely annoyed now; responded, “White moms can drive too!”  As luck would have it, the bell rang and David came running to me.  I figured I’d explain the little boy’s concern about my disability and driving later.

On the way home, David told me all about his day including about the boy who kept asking him about his mom all day.  David explained,” He has a brown mom.  He doesn’t know about white moms.”  He exclaimed, “He didn’t even know that white moms can drive!” 

I decided that David understood the little boy just fine so I never explained the boy’s concerns.  However, that afternoon I felt more confident that David and I would do just fine handling the tough realities of kindergarten…one misunderstanding at a time.

Healing My Heart in Haiti

In honor and recognition of the 7 years that have passed since my only brother died suddenly from an undetected brain tumor called a colloid cyst,  I am posting a journal entry that I wrote many years ago.  It explains how an adoption trip to Haiti helped me to recognize God's loving care even in death.

On May 17, 2007, my only brother passed from this world into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.  He was only 29 years old.  Around 5pm, I had just finished sitting by his bedside until he passed and I was standing in a hospital corridor, while my mom proclaimed, “He’s home.  He’s home.  God is good!  He is home.”  It was like my heart was being pulled in two directions:  the spiritual direction of rejoicing with my mother knowing his suffering had ended and the earthly direction of separation, despair and grief.  So I chose to try to stay numb and function to make arrangements and deal with the details until several weeks later when I could painfully sort out the realities and balance these emotions.

A year and a month later, I got to revisit these emotions in a most unlikely place and time.  My husband and I were in Haiti bringing home our children David and Vanessa.  The remainder of our children’s birth families came to the orphanage to meet us and say goodbye to their beloved family members whom we already called our son and daughter.   Their hearts were pulled in two directions:  the side of rejoicing that their beloved ones had permanent and loving family and the side of separation and loss.  I watched as one family member went numb and just functioned.  Others judged her for being so stony, but I understood.  I ached for her as I knew the time ahead would be difficult. 

During that visit, I realized that this part of adoption was yet another beautiful picture of our relationship with the Lord.  Just as we called David and Vanessa our children before we traveled to get them, God calls us His children before He brings us to a perfect home with Him.  Just as I felt the void of my brother’s passing, these family members would feel a void.   Just as I rejoiced that my brother was home with the Father so these family members rejoiced that we loved our children and thanked us for coming to get them.  It was after this meeting in Haiti that I was able to thank God for accepting my brother, whom He already called His son, home to a perfect home.  I was comforted.

Behold, what manner of love

the Father hath bestowed upon us,

that we should be called the sons of God:

therefore the world knoweth us not,

because it knew him not.~~I John 3:1

"I've lived in the US for most of my life"

Today is an important milestone in my list of David's life events.  However, he disagrees.  David insists its just another day, but he happily accepts the special lunch out with Daddy and he is not complaining about a dinner of his favorites. 

As of today, David has been in our family for longer than he lived in Haiti.  As of today, he can say, "I was born in Haiti, but I've lived in the US for most of my life." 

It seems like David has been a part of our home forever, but the unfortunate reality is that his adoption took a long time and he was an older orphan.   David has a real history that started before he got to America. 

David using chopsticks the "American way"...LOL!

In truth, this day is bothering David a bit too because it makes him realize how much of his younger years that he no longer remembers.  And in truth, it bothers me a little too.  It makes me realize just how much time he was not under our loving care and how much time he was not building memories with our family that we can share with him after he has forgotten his early years.

Despite the bitter sweetness of today, it does mean that David has been in our family for 5 of his birthdays and Christmases.  This will be 4th of July #6.  He is already planning what fireworks are needed with Daddy.  Better yet, he doesn't remember that he was the little boy who hid in the basement his first Independence Day and he kept yelling in fear, "They coming."  He wouldn't even look out a window and we all slept downstairs with him that night.  This year, David will be making the noise and loving it....No one could convince me that adoption isn't one of the best outcomes after early tragedies.  I'm so blessed to be a small part of it.

Mother's Day in an Adoptive Family

My parents: I look like them, and we
have been a family my whole life.

Mother's Day is not all fun and happiness at our house.  It is not that it is bad either, but it is different when children have a family of origin.  Like many families, our kids make plans and loudly whisper secrets the week before.  They make cards and gifts and pick dandelions.  They tell me to go back to bed so they can "surprise" me and everyone works hard to celebrate me. 

However, as an adoptive mom there is a "shadow" over the day.  Some of my children acknowledge it and others think it doesn't matter, but I know it matters.  Maybe it doesn't matter at age 4 or 6, but it matters a lot by the time the kids are tweens because the "shadow" is a part of their history, their genetics and their future.  Most of my kids will have children that look more like a stranger than like my hubby and I.  That is not a bad thing, but the future will reveal more about their past and they will wonder whose nose their child has and if members of their first family were very tall and if they liked the same things. 

To make this day tougher, our children have already lost their first parents to death or abandonment or unfortunate circumstances.  The question of why does God let bad things happen is very real, especially around Mother's Day.  We don't want to rewrite the past into a fairy tale, but we don't want any of our children to ever think that they were unloved for even a second of their life!  So we focus Mother's Day on God's love.  God loves me and blessed me with the incredible experience of being mom 10 times!  God loves them and when bad things happened, He helped make a path for them to be in our family as He had planned for them.  God is the reason that we are a family, and we try to focus our thanks to God who gave birth mom's and caring orphanage workers and brought about adoptions.  It doesn't make the celebrations any simpler, but I wouldn't want it to because God had beautiful plans for each of my children and those plans started in the womb, not when I became their mom.  

"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." -Jody Landers

A Wedding & A New Addition

On Saturday, we attended Amber and Stephen's very cold and very lovely outdoor wedding in a wonderful country setting.  The entire ceremony was very intentionally planned to reflect Christ's relationship with the church and the outcome was a spiritually uplifting experience.  And as a BONUS the musician played the hammered dulcimer flawlessly.  It was truly a privilege to be in attendance.

For those of you asking, "Who is Amber?"  Amber is our house hero Angela's twin sister and she has been Jon's devoted care giver for over a year.  More importantly Amber is as awesome as Angela, and therefore quickly became one of Jon's most favorite people.  Amber has not only bathed, fed and dressed Jon most weekdays, but they have ridden horses, went swimming, tried hairstyles, worked on school lessons, learned to drive a power wheelchair and much more!  So Jon wasn't exactly thrilled that she got married and moved away without him!

Of course going to a wedding has risks.  There could be tears, lots of hugs, good friends, frost bite (joking, but in this case), and to my surprise there could be orphan puppies.  Yes, we went to a wedding and got a puppy.  Who knew?!

We were leaving the wedding and some cruel person had dumped 4 puppies in a taped closed box on the side of this isolated country road.  Another family that we know was looking at something in a box so we stopped and of course my kids jumped out of the car to look too.  Before I could even assess what was happening, Matt had a puppy, David had a puppy and Corrine had a puppy.  All of them wanting to keep "their" puppy.  (Keep in mind that Corrine just got a puppy!)  So in a moment of parental weakness...by the way, if you have ever seen David and Matt's eyes light up over dogs, then you understand what caused my weakness...I agreed that we could keep one.  (Don't worry, our friends kept one puppy and we made sure the other two would be found good homes.)

So we brought Oreo home and he is about the calmest, huggable, lovable puppy ever.  Oreo made fast friends with our already beloved Pippi and the two are great playmates.  Needless to say I was feeling pretty good about this decision to add Oreo until David put me on the spot about why we couldn't keep all the puppies.  David had observed that Oreo cried the first couple nights and he pointed out that the puppy was missing his mom and siblings.  David told me, "Mom, I'm surprised that you wouldn't keep their family together.  You kept Mark, Luke and Matt together."  With a lump in my throat, I started explaining that it was time for the dogs to live in different places and have their own people families, just like it will someday be time for him to have his own place to live.  (BTW-I THOUGHT my answer was fabulous!...and pride does come before the fall.)  David responded, "But I'll still be in our family and see my brothers and sisters.  Oreo may never see them again and maybe not even remember them."  At this point, I knew I was in dangerous water!  This wasn't about Oreo, this was about David who doesn't remember his family of origin.  So what did I do?  I said, "You're right David.  I should have taken them all.  I just didn't think we could keep up with so many dogs."  David's response was, "I just wish that you would have listened to me that day."  This broke my heart!  So in a final effort to "fix" this situation, I explained, "David, we wouldn't have been able to keep them all because the city has a law that limits the number of dogs that we can have."  David responded, "That is sad because I would have taken good care of them all."  I said, "I know you would have and I'm so pleased that you are so thoughtful as to want to keep Oreo with his family."

Have I mentioned lately that I have the BEST kids!

U.S. Adoption Day x 4

At court waiting to be called.

Today was finally Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jon's final day in court.  After much waiting and anticipation, their stateside adoptions are complete!  Many people aren't familiar with the situation with these children who were allowed to come home to us after the Haitian earthquake under a special refugee status and it is rather complex.  However, due to numerous issues, it has taken much longer than we had expected to get these adoptions finalized in the US so now and FINALLY we can get moving on the process to their becoming US Citizens.

The boys went right to the seat at the big table.  The
boys had no doubts that these chairs were for
them.

I must be honest with you and I'm sure you already have guessed, these adoptions come with costs which we have depended on God to provide.  He has always been faithful.  What you may not know is that there are other fees and paperwork too.  Plus due to how these children entered the US, these fees are higher than a typical adoption.  We will soon be needing to pay almost $4,000 in fees to the US Department of Homeland Security USCIS office (immigration) as part of the citizenship application process.  This will be a hit to our already tightening budget.  Therefore, we ask that you remember our finances in your prayers.  As many of you know, we are in need of a mini-van to replace our 2001 Durango with 287,000 miles on it so a prayer for mechanical soundness of our vehicles until an affordable replacemnt can be found would be appropriate and appreciated too.  Thank you!

 

God places the lonely

in families;
he sets the prisoners free

and gives them joy.

~~Psalm 68:6a

Adoption Disruption: Real Help is Overdue

Ever since a "mom" let her child be returned to Russia by himself on a plane allegedly without notice, the adoption community is especially judgemental of adoption disruption.  We seem to now assume the worst of the family or the child or both.  As an adoptive mom, I certainly never want to see an adoption be disrupted, but I think we are too tough on families and children who are experiencing a disruption.  It seems that we rarely give the families the credit that they deserve.   

The adoptive community seems at a consensus that adoption disruption only happens to parents who are not committed to their kids or who don't work hard enough to make it work. However, what if these families are even more committed and are working harder than our own?  What is its not about commitment, but about their family's survival?  What if its not about the child or the parents?  What if we are judging simply out of our own fears about failure?  What if a disruption is not a failure, but a last opportunity for a family and a child to get the peace and healing that they need.

Ironically, the same adoption advocates, who will extend all respect and love to a biological parent who chooses to utilize the benefits of adoption, will condemn an adoption disruption without knowing the situation.  Is it really fair to an adoptive parent?  Is it really fair to an adopted child?  It is time for the adoption community to develop a less myopic view of disruption.  Parents including myself need to move beyond judgement to helping find resources for families facing tough decisions and for kids needing new families.

If we consider that  2% of the US child population is adopted  (1.8 million children)and that disruptions occur in between 1% to 10% of adoptions, then we would realize that this issue is too big and too damaging to ignore with judgement.  Plus the rates vary by the age of the child and type of adoption.  Needless to say, even at 1% that is 18,000 kids and families who are hurting and need compassionate help in healing.  There is an excellent government report that reviews the factors and frequency of disruption in the US.   One positive indicator from the study is that disruption rates have dropped since the 1980's and 90's.  However, one thing is for sure, condemning families and child(ren) who experience the tragedy and loss of disruption will not solve the problem or promote any one's healing. 

As an adoptive community, we need to be advocating for research, resources, support and better options for all families in crisis...biological and adoptive.  What if families facing these issues were given 24 hour support staff instead of removing the child or what if children were more truthfully presented by adoption agencies or what if adoptive families had paid adoption leave to promote bonding?  Would any of these ideas or numerous others help families?  I don't know, but I think a lot of families and children deserve some real answers...not judgement.

Adoption: Sibling Return Policy

A mom recently called me with a problem that she was sure was a sign of failure.  She cried as she explained that her son wants to send his adoptive sister back to her country of origin.  She tearfully went on with her story saying that her son says that his sister has ruined his life and had a list of true indictments including that she breaks his stuff and is mean to him.  So I asked a couple critical questions.  Did he call her his sister when complaining?  Is she actually hurting him physically?  Abusively?

The mother explained that he had called her his sister and that her daughter was too little to physically hurt her son.  However, she said that her daughter did seem to enjoy getting her brother into trouble and seemed to be pleased when he was angry.  I asked if this could be an intense sibling rivalry.  She said that is what she thought until her son started asking to return his sister.

Next I asked if their family had ever discussed the "Sibling Return Policy".  The mom immediately snapped back, "Well we aren't sending her back!  I just want to know what we did wrong? Why hasn't our son bonded with her?"

Now TRUTHFULLY, I almost laughed at her for thinking it was her fault, but I knew she was dead serious so I had to explain myself. I told her that I didn't know of any older sibling who hasn't wanted to return a younger one at least once in their life. It honestly doesn't matter how the family is formed, this is a part of learning to be a family. I explained that the problem comes in when these type of comments can do so much damage to an adopted child who is not secure in the permanency of their family. Some families simply forbid their children from making such comments. 

Personally, my kids aren't that well-behaved.  They would just make the comments behind my back.  Therefore, our family has a "Sibling Return Policy" which basically says, "once you join our family, you are here forever and so are your siblings NO MATTER WHAT.  Neither you or your sisters and brothers are going anywhere."  Now a word of warning, if you set a policy, it will be tested....creatively, multiple times!  I've had kids try to find loop holes like what if they run away or what if they wanted to go live with grandma.  One child once asked, what if they hurt a sibling.  I said, "You will be punished."  Then this same child wanted to know what happened if they killed a sibling...now that question will make your heart race...so I turned the question back, "what do you think would happen?"  The child had a better answer than I did AND I know this child AND I know how frustrated they were feeling so we focused on ways to deal with and cope with annoying siblings.  Another child once asked me if the policy still held if my hubby and I died!  Talk about looking for a loop hole!  (I'm hoping I didn't scare this mom who called.)

The bottom line is adoptive families have sibling rivalries the same as biological.  Its just that our kids can unleash the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb on siblings with attachment difficulties and the kids know it...at least mine do.  Therefore, the parent has to neutralize the threat in whatever manner works in their home.  Then, like any parent, we wait and watch closely to see if this is a serious problem that might require professional assistance or if this is a typical sibling adjustment issue.

Siblings are the people we practice on,

the people who teach us

about fairness and cooperation

and kindness and caring -

quite often the hard way.~~Pamela Dugdale

Honestly, we are prefect..ly flawed

After we reached adoption #3, other parents started calling us for resources and information.  Some parents were considering adoption and some had adopted children with challenging issues, but for whatever reason these folks decided to trust us with some very personal information about themselves and their families.  At first I was flattered, then I frankly got scared!  I mean to mess up with my own family would be tragic, but to lead another's family to bad decisions would be even worse!

Photo of our Nate by Angela Covington

I started praying before I answered parents' questions and decided to tell them the full truth about whatever they were asking, even if the answer was uncomfortable.  I would pray as I truthfully answered questions about bonding, behaviors, sibling rivialry, food issues, and loss.  As I offered resources and my experiences, I discovered that so FEW adoptive families do this with other adoptive and potential adoptive families.  Many adoptive families have gotten the message that not only should they keep their individual children's information private, BUT we have moved on to the idea that adoptive families need to act like we are better than biological families!  To hear many adoptive families tell it, their families are problem free, fun-filled and their adoptive children are all prodigies that have forgotten the early tramas and losses because of their loving care...to which I say, nonsense!  Either they are lying through their teeth or they don't know their child(ren).  While I certainly would never want a parent to publicly elaborate on individual kid's problems or behaviors, I would like to see some basic honestly..especially when they are discouraging adoptive families who are facing challenges by making them feel all alone in their issues.  Plus even more dangerous, the candy coated stories lead to adoptions by parents who frankly should not adopt!

When someone asks me about an issue that I don't have personal experience with, the first thing I say is something like, "That is tough.  I haven't experienced that but I know families who have."  Then I try to match them with a family farther along in that struggle who will honestly share their knowledge and resources.  I never want to leave a family feeling isolated because so few issues are truly unique, but with everyone keeping their secrets, so many adoptive families feel alone.

When someone asked me a question that I do have experience with, the first thing I say is something like, "I don't discuss this openly because it is so personal to me  and my family, but I know you are asking out of need and not nosiness so please keep this conversation between us."  Then I go on to explain what I know, how I know it and resources that helped me.

Through my honesty, it is always my hope that the person will realize that adoptive families have unique struggles, but we have unique victories too and most importantly I want parents to know that they are never alone.  God is in control.  He is soveriegn and He was there with the child when you were not.  He knows what they need and He believes in you.

Honestly, our family is not different from any other family.  Our family is perfect....perfectly flawed and striving to serve His purpose.

God places the lonely in families;

he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.~~Psalm 68:6a

David is 9!

Today we celebrated David's 9th birthday. 

This is the 4th birthday that David has celebrated since he became a part of our family.  It is amazing to me to see how much and how fast he has grown.  I really miss 5 year old David who would sneak in our room and slept by our bed; AND 6 year old David who was frightened by his big new school; AND 7 year old David who worried I would die like his birth mom; AND 8 year old David who told me that I love him "too much", but I'm glad 9 year old David is able to start this year confident of himself, his place in the world and as fearless as his peers.  We have been through many milestones in 4 years and I look forward to many more while wishing we had lived his first 5 years together too.



I think Grandma picked out
 the right gift.

Birthdays of our adopted children are often bittersweet to me because it reminds me of the time my children spent outside of the loving protection of a family.  I will never understand how the citizens of this planet can allow kids to have such rough starts to life, but I'm very blessed that God set us and David on a path to be family forever.  Many adoption critics would point out that this post's first paragraph fails to recognize that David's life story started before age 5.  To those critics, I would say David lives with good memories and his healing emotional scars everyday.  They have become a part of his future as these have helped shape who he has become.  Below is a photo of a worried David, sitting on a table about to receive lifesaving nutrition, medicine and LOTS of love from Children of the Promise.  Many kids like David were close to their life story ending too soon, but were sustained by the efforts of groups like Children of the Promise. 



David's 1st picture

The "orphanage" as we often call it, has become a resource center for families in Haiti.  Children of the Promise is building for a future that lets them provide kids with the security of a family from the minute that they enter into care.  This will let kids like David learn how to function as an individual that is part of a family from the beginning, rather than having them function as a group within a group.  We are excited for what this will mean for kids who have a family to return to, as well as for kids who are waiting to be adopted.  If you are looking for a ministry to support, I would strongly recommend Children of the Promise.  I've been there and I've seen the needs AND most importantly I've seen the difference that they are making for infants and toddlers in Haiti.  As David would tell me right after he came home, "Babies under the mango tree need a mom like you."  I'm so happy that Children of the Promise is moving to a new method of service that will give these babies the moms that they need right away while they are in the care of Children of the Promise.  I'm so pleased that we can be a small part of making these changes happen! 

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,

I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,

I was a stranger and you invited me in,

I needed clothes and you clothed me,

I was sick and you looked after me,

I was in prison and you came to visit me.

~~Matthew 25:35-36

Waiting...

Do you ever get tired of waiting?  Well, due to our family's experiences with adoption, we know many families interested in adoption.  Some of these friends are done with their adoption(s).  Some are just getting started in the process or planning.  And a few are waiting.  Their paperwork is done.  They are in a spot where they have finished their preparations and now it is out of their hands.  There is nothing they can do to speed the process and their only possible influence over the process is through prayer.  These few friends are waiting and many are getting exhausted by the wait.  They are in the stage of adoption that I struggled with the most. 

With Hannah, the waiting lasted 9 long and seemingly eternal months.  There was times that my anxiety was so high that I was sure my heart would stop beating due to the tightness of my chest and neck.  However, finally the call came and travel plans were made.  Then we had to wait 2 of the longest weeks of my life for the date of our departure to Ecuador.  We had only seen two picture of Hannah, but we were in love.  Our trip to Riobamba, Ecuador was exhausting and a story of its own, and when we pulled inside the gates to our hotel at 7am, we had been traveling non-stop for 30 hours.  The taxi driver named Patricio told us that due to arriving so much later than planned, we could get cleaned up and settled in, and he would take us on to the orphanage.  We tried to not let our excitement show too much, but our luggage was inside and we were back in the taxi before Patricio had returned from the restroom!  (We did look in the shower and decided that we were still cleaner than it was.)  The drive to the orphanage seemed forever, but I timed it so I know it was actually 12 minutes....until our wait was over.

With David and Vanessa, the wait was 26 months.  Words cannot describe how long those 26 months were!  I was determined to follow Philippians 4:6, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."  I tried and I prayed.  I REALLY tried and REALLY prayed, but my anxiousness to have my children with me was reducing my patience with others.  Each month our children in the pictures grew.  Each year that passed, their need for the loving stability of a family...our family....was more evident. 

One day I was having an exceptionally BIG pity-party.  I knew no one must be as worried or longing for their children as much as me, and I had let my resentment stall my devotion time until mid-morning. Reluctantly, I began my devotion time by reading Ephesians 1, and immediately verses 3 through 5 jumped off the page and into my heart.  There it was!  Who had waited longer?!  He had!  Why hadn't I realized it before!  I read the beginning of verse 4 again, "According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world".  God had waited for a relationship with me since "the foundation of the world".   God had waited for me to seek His forgiveness and be made holy through Christ Jesus so that I could be in His loving and perfect presence.  In fact verse 5 said so that I could be adopted into His family through Christ!



Photos of the end of some of our waitings.



All my life I had known John 3:16 and that God loved me, BUT I was 34 years old before I realized that He had lovingly waited for me from "the foundation of the world"...before He even formed me.  I was humbled.  For the remaining year of our wait, I had confidence that God understood my desire to have my children home, and I turned my prayers towards thanking Him for waiting for me and asking Him to prepare our home and to prepare our children for our future together.  God answered these prayers.  David and Vanessa had a remarkably easy transition into our family.

I'll never understand why adoptions must involve so much waiting.  The feelings of discouragement and the doubts that the adoption will ever happen can be overwhelming.  However, I do know that God knows more about perfect love and waiting than me.  I pray constantly for our friends who are waiting and for the protection of the children who are waiting for them.  I pray for the preparation of their new home physically, mentally and spiritually.  If you know someone waiting on an adoption, please pray for them.   And if you're waiting on an adoption or anything else important to you, please take comfort in knowing that God understands waiting from "the foundation of the world".

If you would like the readers of this blog to pray for your adoption process, then please leave your first name and any specifics that you would like prayed on your behalf AND by all means update us when your wait is over. 

According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation

 of the world, that we should be holy and without blame

before him in love: --Ephesians 1:4 

And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious

unto you,  and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have

 mercy upon you:  for the LORD [is] a God of judgment:

blessed [are] all they that wait for him. --Isaiah 30:18

Adoption

Below is a list of some of my favorite quotes and such about adoption.  It seemed like a great way to end November.

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart"--Skye Hardwick

For finding you mother,

There's one certain test.

You must look for the creature

Who loves you the best.--- David Kirk (Little Miss Spider)

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullaby)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.

You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.

But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...

Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.

I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.

But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.

And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

Some definitions:

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

By Rita Laws

If you have a favorite too, feel free to post it as a comment.

International Orphans

Today there are estimated to be over

143 million orphans in the world.

How many is 143 million?

If you had these orphans hold hands in a line, you would see over 1,700 orphans per mile.  If you were to follow that line of orphans holding hands, driving 60 mph, you could drive 24 hours a day seeing 1,700 orphans every mile, hour after hour, day after day without stopping for over two months, and you would still see orphans holding hands.

US Adoption

In the United States:

• Of the more than 500,000 children living in foster care, 129,000 cannot return to their families and are waiting to be adopted. Among these children:
• Males outnumber females.
• African American children are disproportionately represented.
• Nearly two-thirds are age six or older.
• The average length of stay in foster care for children awaiting adoption is 44 months.
• More than 41 percent spend two to five years in foster care.
• Nearly 20 percent are trapped in foster care for five years or more.

Focus on the Family president and chief executive Jim Daly said.

"I was one of those kids — a kid that doesn't have a mom and dad. I was never adopted, but I was very appreciative of the people who came along to mentor me.“

"If my Bible math is right, God reminds us 47 times to take care of widows and orphans. This country has something like 300,000 churches and 130,000 orphans. The math is pretty simple."

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month and November 7th was Orphan Sunday so there has been a lot of emphasis and information on adoption in the media.  As part of this media coverage there has been a "sour" note in some of the coverage.  This "sour" note  is the idea that international adoption is "un-American" adoption option.   I would like to clean up these myths from my perspective.  However, before I get started I want to make one TRUTH clear--Neither international nor domestic adoption is right or wrong or better or worse.  It doesn't matter where an orphan comes from, if God calls you to meet a child's need in the form of adoption, then you have a responsibility to answer God's call...its not about being American.  Its about being a Christian.



Myth #1:  Adopting kids from the United States is the "American" thing to do.  Adopting internationally brings new "burdens" to the United States.



A reader's comment clipped from the
Joplin Globe online edition

      Right now the United States has many strong "anti-illegal immigration" beliefs and I think this often gets confused with adoption issues.  When a child is adopted from another country, that child's parents must seek permission for their child to enter the United States and become a citizen.  As part of gaining permission, the parents must prove the child was an orphan, prove the adoption is complete and show that they have the income to meet the child's needs without welfare and verify that no other child in their home is receiving welfare. 



    For Mr. Workman and I, adoption was not about nationality, it was about being called to adopt.  We tried domestic adoption and each time were told no.  We were told no on our first international attempt too, but God used all those "no's" to bring us to the child that He had for us.  We never considered what others would think of her nationality or race.  We loved her from the first picture and we knew we were supposed to bring her home. 

 

Myth #2:  Internationally adopted kids have less "problems" than kids available in the United States.



    Warning:  I'm about to be rudely blunt!  If you are looking for a child with less "problems" to adopt, then you need to be adopting a pet and not a kid.  All kids have "problems" no matter if adopted or by birth and it is the job of parents to help the child with the problems that they face as they grow.



    Now truthfully some childhood experiences of trauma, abuse, starvation, abandonment and neglect place scars on kids that only certain parents are ready to pray their way through.  No matter if adopting in the United States or internationally their are kids with all different backgrounds and families need to consider which backgrounds can be handled in their home.  Some kids should be an only child and others should be the youngest or other with a single mom, but these issues are not unique to a country.  These issues are unique to the child.



Myth #3:  International adoption has less requirements and less oversight than domestic adoptions.

    Each country has different amounts of oversight and different kinds of oversight.  Some might argue that the HIV, syphilis and TB tests that we had to have for Haiti is more oversight than the United States.  Others would think the fact we got to pick our social worker to be less oversight.  The bottom line is ALL adoptions have a home study by a licensed professional which will include proof of marriage, income, expenses, mental stability and explanation of the home environment. 

Myth #4:  International orphans are not "really" orphans...their parents just cannot afford them. 



   This is a newer myth that comes largely from international aid groups who are trying to use orphans as a reason to leverage large amounts of money from the UN and countries like the US.  One group recently suggested that it could empty orphanages by offering families cash to take the children home, and I suspect that they are correct.  Extended family members and strangers would show up to claim their cash and their orphan, but I cannot let my mind think what would happen to that child next.

   Adoptive families must be a part of making sure their child's family was offered humanitarian aid and resources to keep the child.  Plus the adoptive family needs to check that the story of how the child became an orphan is true.  Parents should get the opportunity to meet the remaining members of the child's family and others who have been a part of the child's life.

Myth #5:  People who adopt internationally are just "showing off" and trying to be "trendy". 

   Oh, Brad and Angelina, you have supposedly made international adoption "cool".  (Shaking my head)



    Warning: I'm about to be rudely blunt AGAIN! If you are looking for a child to make you "cool", then you need to be adopting a pet and not a kid AND you need to go all out on the pet.  You should buy a purse for it to be carried in, and a diamond studded collar is not out of the question...just stay away from kids.



So this month, I'll be sharing some adoption facts and figures in my blogs...some international and some domestic because I don't know what God is calling you to do.  If you have questions about adoption in general or about our family's adoption experiences, please feel free to email me.  I'll try to answer your questions or get someone who can answer, if your questions are not within my expertise.

God sent him to buy freedom for us who were

slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us

as his very own children.--Galatians 4:5 NLT

Nate's Gotcha Day

Today we celebrated Nate's First Gotcha Day. It was great to remember and be thankful for all the protection, guidance and provision that God has given Nate and our family during the past year. It has been such a blessing to watch doors close and doors open as we prayed and sought God's plan.

I truly can understand where in the 2nd chapter of Luke, it is mentioned twice that Mary kept all these things in her heart and pondered them. Certainly Mary had more to keep & ponder, in fact I cannot imagine how full of joy and thanksgiving her heart must have been. I know I will always rejoice when remembering certain things that I know only God could do for Nate. Specifically, I remember and am in awe of God's workings in the following:

• my feeling at peace when the doctor and nurse practitioner in St. Louis explained that comfort may be all we could offer Nate since repair surgery would be risky, expensive and long term recovery too difficult to support in Haiti; I was amazed at the time (and still now) at the extra measure of faith that God provided to me. I never doubted that God had other plans.


• witnessing so many people taking a personal interest in Nate...some people who I had just met because of Nate and many more who I had never met prayed for us, financially helped with Nate's care, and in one case rescued me (a week after we met) when my car broke down and drove us the rest of the way to the hospital and in time to still have the procedure done!


• having gas be provided or just "show up" in my tank when the budget was its tightest.


• a stranger calling, introducing herself and helping us open the door to care in Little Rock.


• having an Oxygen tank malfunction and needing a replacement while outside our company's service area and watching Nate's story soften the spiritual heart of man who we would never have met otherwise.


• due to congestion, ending up back in the same ER that Nate visited on his 1st morning in our home, and having the same doctors stopping to see if it really was the same baby...they listened and marvel at his repaired heart....I couldn't help, but think this was God taking a victory lap! It still makes me smile!

Since Nate's arrival, I have had more of what the world calls "dumb luck" such as car beak downs, flats, financial stresses, financial surprises, changed plans and general inconveniences than in the last couple decades. However, with each situation, I saw God directing our paths, touching not just our life, but the lives of others. As our 14 year old daughter Grace would say, "Nate is one special dude". It is my honor to be his mom.

But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.--Matthew 19:14

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.--Psalms 139:14